"Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish."

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."

"You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time."

"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it."

"Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'"

"Advice is the only commodity on the market where the supply always exceeds the demand."

"You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do."

"Nothing shocks me more in the men of religion and their flocks than their pretensions to be the only religious people."

"That which we fear to touch is often the fabric of our salvation."

"My one aim was to do a thing well and to excel if possible."

"I'm an experienced woman; I've been around... well, alright, I might not've been around, but I've been... nearby."